whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
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