So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
