The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The power of my boobs compel you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
