But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
