textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
