listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
