just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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