Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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