I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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