I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
