i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
