so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
