wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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