loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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