My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
