A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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