I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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