Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
