OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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