Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
