Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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