Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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