apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
