you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
