Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're a waste of cheezeits
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
