did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
