I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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