Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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