My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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