I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
