it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
