Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
