I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
