Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
