I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
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High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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