why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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