I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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