I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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