fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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