So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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