When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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