Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
