Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
