I have demons in me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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