the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
