im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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