maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
