I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Randomize
