What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
