the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
