This house was built for laser tag.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dignity is for republicans.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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