it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
