as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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