Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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