i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
