I hate your face
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
