No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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