I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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