you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
